i2I..

As I mentioned before, the ‘I’ is a sequence of images about ‘who you are’ reinforced by your mind over time. The one that is the current image is the most powerful. You vehemently defend and nurture it than your past.

If I say, ‘What you did to that woman was wrong’ after two years of your divorce, you care less. The same thing when said as you are going through it makes you retort and even stop seeking any words of advise. That is how powerful the image you hold now about yourself.

It is almost like a buffer cache (in computers) where the old is overlaid by the new. But in us, it is not exactly same as you still remember the old, but it does not evoke as much a reaction from you as the new. So this is really not about memory. This is about your response, reaction to those stored in your head.

If you look at this, it sounds very funny and outrageous at the same time. You have been going around thinking all what you did and what others said what you did is YOU. But the reality is no more than a bunch of images that were strong in you about who you are at that point in time.

That’s why we are always able to arrive at a better decision about things on hindsight. One you have a lot more data. But the most important thing is that you have nothing to lose. I mean not monetarily. But you no more need to defend that old image of YOU.

When I was working, I was consumed by work. I thought all I have to do is work harder and harder. And I did. I had this image of being the most hard working, and as a result most knowledgeable on the work I did. May be some others had this too. And many others might have had the image that I am brash and arrogant. Again I just have to remind you that the image about me in others is a result of the image of those people about themselves at that point in time. For example, if some one thought I am brash, he may be having a much stronger image to defend and hence cannot accommodate me. Whereas, some other may not have too much image and may be OK to hear me out. Coming back, this image of me as the most intelligent and smart at work had been assumed as what I AM by myself. Until I saw a failure, when I could not deliver what I promised. That is when I have the first jolt to the image I built up, the ‘I’ I had nurtured.

There is a Zen story about a person who bragged about his archery skills. He was convinced that he is the best archer in the town. In fact he was. But he carried that image so deep and would not believe if some one said ‘YOU are not THAT archer’. One day a master came along and he started bragging his archery skills to the master. The master took him to a hill and asked him to stand on a edge of a rock. When you look down, it was staggering. The master said “Now show your skills”. The archer trembled. He could not concentrate on the archery any longer. He bowed and moved away. The master went and stood on the steep edge and shot the arrow with the same level of calmness as he was before.

What the master did was to give a ‘jolt’ to the archer by making him stand on that steep rock. A jolt to his image and a situation to allow the archer to see it for himself. It was not really about the archery. The master had little doubt about his skills. But the image and all the bragging fed by the archer came in the way of archery. He would be a better archer if he could just keep that skill as a skill and be indifferent to that.

When a jolt happens in you life, it could be a failure of the task that you invested a great deal of time, it could be someone dear to you and acknowledged how great you were suddenly backing off, it could be a disease you get afflicted with or it could be even a small burst of anger on the road, all of this gives you that window to look at your ‘I’. The image that you have carefully built over time about YOU.

But to most of us, the images are inseparable from what we possibly are. In fact it is unimaginable to understand who this person is without any image.

Does such a thing exist?

If it is what would it be ?

Why I cannot let go this life without achieving something?

Many a time I have been questioned as to why I quit my job at HP after spending a substantial amount of time, close to 12 years. Like everything else you get attached to in life, this was not easy. But still I let go.

Though I would not say that I had a very clear cut answer when I did that except that I wanted to make good use of the remaining time of my life doing something I like and earning my living out of that, I can tell with confidence several years after I made that decision and spending all my time in the last 6 months working on the product I wanted to give life to.

It is not about the product. There is nothing about it. Not that I do not like it nor it is not fantastic in my view. It is great and I have never done something like this. It is going to be different and I am sure people will appreciate the value that it brings. There is a even better reason which has cemented in me over years now as to why I want to do all of this.

I desperately want to give some purpose to this existence.

There was a time when I used to constantly question this. Why are we here? What is our purpose? I have spent a lot of time pondering over this, debating with friends, reading a lot of philosophy (which by the way is available in plenty if you are in India). I have even appeared more spiritual or philosophical to many of my friends because of all these. I have even thought that being like this is the end result of some one raising such questions (why are we here? what is our purpose?).

But over time I realized that the question is wrong. You cannot ask this question and find a meaningful answer. You will never find. Instead I realized I should be desperate to make this life purposeful and meaningful for me. This is the only way you can laugh at life rather than life laughing at you when you die.

Make every bit of it meaningful. Never do something that makes no sense to you. Try your best. Try hard at it. Go for it. If you have not thought about this, do this now. There is no better time. Do not settle for anything less. Go for the ultimate you can accomplish. It could be that you had a passion for running. Then go all out on that. Even if you think you are burdened by your finances, burdened by relations or others. Never compromise on what you wanted to do. You may look like you are winning when you compromise and settle for something interim. But in the end you will be a loser. Life would have won over you. You will be one of those speck that visited this planet briefly.

If you feel this is all extreme, then you better change your outlook my friend. You have to be extreme when it comes to living. You cannot be docile and think that you would have solved this problem called life. Be aware, fully live, Do something that will truly excite you, Keep doing and going beyond what you can see today. When you leave this planet, leave it with a sense of achievement.